Paths

My daughter has autistic spectrum disorder - autism - she's been diagnosed for about six months now. My son displays a lot of similar signs and tendencies, and there's a growing sense that he may well be in the autistic spectrum, as well, probably a form of Aspergers.

Both these conditions are hereditary, and my wife shows none of the signs at all, really. I have in front of me a book we were given of various facts and ideas about the subject - I fit far too many of the groups not to consider that this might have come from me.

Now this isn't a guilt trip - my kids may have gotten this from me, they have inherited a gene from me that makes them more susceptible to it, or whatever - I can't control that, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Similarly, I'm not going to rant about all the people that didn't recognise any of these behaviours when I was young - maybe they weren't there? Maybe no-one really knew about this condition back then?

But here I am, and I have to decide if I have this or not? Simple enough, really - if they can spot it in a two-year old, it should be obvious in me, right? Probably, but that's not the problem.

I've been sinking slowly into a dark, weary mood about this over a period of weeks, and I'm beginning - perhaps - to understand why.

I'm different. We're all different, we're all special, I know, but I'm different in a different way, if that makes sense. People have their own taste in music, their own fashion statements, their own choice of drinks and the like - I disdain it all, and I always have. I don't understand the point of drinking, and despite careful explanations as to its self-defeating nature, people ignore my lack of interest in clothing choices.

This evening I was teaching some kids from the local swimming club, I organise the bits and pieces they do in the gym. So, tonight, I'm ready. I've my programme laid out in my head, a rough idea of how to split them up - depending on who's there - I know the equipment we have, and I've got myself settled. I don't have a concrete plan for anything, really, I don't know what exercises I'm putting where in the circuits, don't know what tasks I'm going to give them to warm up. This evening, though, is a little different to most evenings - our usual room is being used, so we've been moved. Not a problem - I found out by accident, but I found out about a week in advance, and I'm ready for it.

And then we get there, and in fact we don't have a room at all. And I'm suddenly lost? I'm 29 and I can't deal with something simple like that - I've got the kids, their parents aren't around, so I have to get on with it. And it's dire - unfocussed, dull, uninteresting, an absolute sow's ear of a session.

Now, I've never adapted well to change - not in the short term. Long term, growth, technology, routines, I can handle that. But tonight, tomorrow, one-offs... I don't do that. Which is just a part of me, I guess... some people classify that as control-freakishness (freakishness?), and it may or may not be, but it works for me.

But is it really just a part of me? I've grown up, built a life, talked and treated people as though I'd made conscious deliberate decisions, and now I might not have. What if I've got Asperger's Syndrome?

Are they my decisions any more, am I making rational, reasonable judgements, or am I just another victim of a mental disorder. It seems a relatively easy thing to test for, and the possibility of finding out is there, if I want it... and I don't know if I do.

As far as I can see, it's a situation where I can only lose. If I'm not Asperger's, and I don't find out, then nothing's changed. If I'm not and I do find out, still nothing's changed. If I am, and I don't bother with the test, then I'm just deluding myself, and if I do find out I have it, does everything change?

Where do I draw the line between me, and the condition. All the things I think are right, all the 'realisations' that have come to me in 29 years - is communism really the best way? Is God really just a figment? Is money a deceit that we all propogate to our own detriment and everyone else's?

Or am I just trying to find excuses, now that I'm getting older, for being such an opinionated sod? Last year this was all cut and dried, and now it seems like there's no way out of this which is any better. I'm either mental, or I'm so off the wall that it's easy to believe I am, in which case what's the difference. I'm seeing things from a different perspective to everyone else, and suddenly I don't believe that's making me the genius that Einstein mentioned any more...